For all the Joys I have seen,
For the downhills I faced,
For the motivation and impetus,
regret and depression,
perseverance and blessing,
honor and victory
Indeed it has been a good year, inspite of the falls.
The pit was shorter than my jump.
The sun was brighter when I got out of the shade.
I learnt to smile better and made more friends.
Found better greens I could move forward to.
Thanks 2008 for being good to me. :)
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A new leaf
I always wonder what I was in my previous existence. In fact, I do not believe or even state with passionate conviction that current life is a consequence of prior lives or that those who deny religion will face apocalypse. But I believe in religion, more as a faith that holds me together, as a confidence that I look up to when self proclaimed truth fails, when there is a clash between heart and mind, when simple undeniable realities face up to you and question your belief in Science alone.
It is as strong a faith as a motivation that arises out of mind's eternal search for wisdom, prosperity, peace and power. I tend to vaguely ponder previous existence atleast to corroborate the fact that energy cannot be destroyed. The body falls to the earth. But where does the life go?
It is not the vice of faith but the beacon of light that religion holds that makes me wonder about anything for which we have no answers yet. The line that unites religion and faith is as far as the end of rainbow. When the blinding flash of it becoming reality occurs, that's when we will actually realize the meaning of atom, get a perspective and its undying truth that every soul that stepped into earth left its abode still searching for answers..
It is as strong a faith as a motivation that arises out of mind's eternal search for wisdom, prosperity, peace and power. I tend to vaguely ponder previous existence atleast to corroborate the fact that energy cannot be destroyed. The body falls to the earth. But where does the life go?
It is not the vice of faith but the beacon of light that religion holds that makes me wonder about anything for which we have no answers yet. The line that unites religion and faith is as far as the end of rainbow. When the blinding flash of it becoming reality occurs, that's when we will actually realize the meaning of atom, get a perspective and its undying truth that every soul that stepped into earth left its abode still searching for answers..
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Whew!!
Dated : May 2007
I have been working long and hard .. not to say productive but i know its beyond me when i fail to distinguish the sunrise and sunset that capture the day and look at the color change in the sky and start my count down again..
A starbucks cofee long gone cold, a piece of an old apple pie , memories of sambar idly , a smelly tiffin box, 3 hand kerchiefs of different colors, a comb, a sock and a cartload of papers , each of them having been scribbled over enough number of times and their ink smudged and paper dog eared , a watch , earphones of my IPOD(without my ipod), an empty purse and a dishevelled look on my face and a pang on excitement when i think of bed and stuffed toys ..
when i reach that point of state mentioned above , where the physical self disowns the senses , i know that i have worked long enough..
when my head bobbles up and down the ocean of panic, i should lest realize that i should go home..
Well....... else if i am still not done with the work, my brain takes occassional breaks ,bows down to the caffine and lets my hand take over to write the most distressed and boring blog ever like this one...
I have been working long and hard .. not to say productive but i know its beyond me when i fail to distinguish the sunrise and sunset that capture the day and look at the color change in the sky and start my count down again..
A starbucks cofee long gone cold, a piece of an old apple pie , memories of sambar idly , a smelly tiffin box, 3 hand kerchiefs of different colors, a comb, a sock and a cartload of papers , each of them having been scribbled over enough number of times and their ink smudged and paper dog eared , a watch , earphones of my IPOD(without my ipod), an empty purse and a dishevelled look on my face and a pang on excitement when i think of bed and stuffed toys ..
when i reach that point of state mentioned above , where the physical self disowns the senses , i know that i have worked long enough..
when my head bobbles up and down the ocean of panic, i should lest realize that i should go home..
Well....... else if i am still not done with the work, my brain takes occassional breaks ,bows down to the caffine and lets my hand take over to write the most distressed and boring blog ever like this one...
Thoughts..
Dated: May 2007
When you have lived through time when you had everything one could ever want but never realised how important they were , when you have had a home town to go to at the distance of a bus ride, friends all around you, food you take for granted to be available at the nearest local restaurant , the public transport at your disposal, phone you could use without worrying whether you could manage the bills,a cofee shop to spend those unforgettable precious moments with a dear one, a job that you could get killed working, more friends who would listen to your yapping ,a monthly salary and a single independent life and when you embark on a dream that you have long planned.. , you assume you are mentally prepared to give up everything for a short stint so that u can make it big in life...but no matter how prepared or planned in advance, it always comes in as a shock.. atleast to people who are not ashamed to be in touch with their emotions. Is it worth while ?? Do these fleeting thoughts make you a different person or do they just bring out an inherent form of expression that never had the opportunity to rise up and high ? Should you learn to grow up by trying to remain untied from these thoughts which choke you up, by being objective or should you let it overwhelm you once in a while ? I hope the destination is worth the journey!!!
When you have lived through time when you had everything one could ever want but never realised how important they were , when you have had a home town to go to at the distance of a bus ride, friends all around you, food you take for granted to be available at the nearest local restaurant , the public transport at your disposal, phone you could use without worrying whether you could manage the bills,a cofee shop to spend those unforgettable precious moments with a dear one, a job that you could get killed working, more friends who would listen to your yapping ,a monthly salary and a single independent life and when you embark on a dream that you have long planned.. , you assume you are mentally prepared to give up everything for a short stint so that u can make it big in life...but no matter how prepared or planned in advance, it always comes in as a shock.. atleast to people who are not ashamed to be in touch with their emotions. Is it worth while ?? Do these fleeting thoughts make you a different person or do they just bring out an inherent form of expression that never had the opportunity to rise up and high ? Should you learn to grow up by trying to remain untied from these thoughts which choke you up, by being objective or should you let it overwhelm you once in a while ? I hope the destination is worth the journey!!!
Dated : March 2007
Many a times we end up doing stuff , ignorant of the ramifications of our actions..
One tiny example of that is celebrating holi..
For a southie like me , who most always ran away from colors of holi ,be it in the neighbourhood or college , verbally slaughtered by my north indian friends as 'murdering the spirit of holi' ,any opportunity to look at an ocean of brown faces in a foreign counrty is more than enticing..
and so i went 2 be a part of the gang which managed to find an "indi dukan" in the middle of nowhere and armed with colors that would put a rainbow to shame , we launched the celebration.
Nothing gives you more a pleasure to destroy the tidy corridors and muddle the pool into a heavenly mixture .. well. nothing , probably more than trying out wild designs on people you dont even know , venting your vendatta on "any" available clean face :).
Grab the opportunity .!! well.. all done ....... serenity demolished , assignments ,exams and due papers long forgotten , out come brown people in all sizes and shapes with a dab of blue,green and what not. Some one even went to the extent of getting out chilli powder!!
dude!! hold on!! hell no .. i like holi but i dont wanna be crippled for life.......
and so it went............ for an hour,two , prob 5..
When the noise became too much,and people looked at us appalled ,prob wondering whether the natives have decided to launch their attack ...... and someone s meek warning that cops mite sniff us out.. thats when the fun stopped... well. temporarily atleast..
Do we need a reason to celebrate .. !!
mera desh mahan :)
Many a times we end up doing stuff , ignorant of the ramifications of our actions..
One tiny example of that is celebrating holi..
For a southie like me , who most always ran away from colors of holi ,be it in the neighbourhood or college , verbally slaughtered by my north indian friends as 'murdering the spirit of holi' ,any opportunity to look at an ocean of brown faces in a foreign counrty is more than enticing..
and so i went 2 be a part of the gang which managed to find an "indi dukan" in the middle of nowhere and armed with colors that would put a rainbow to shame , we launched the celebration.
Nothing gives you more a pleasure to destroy the tidy corridors and muddle the pool into a heavenly mixture .. well. nothing , probably more than trying out wild designs on people you dont even know , venting your vendatta on "any" available clean face :).
Grab the opportunity .!! well.. all done ....... serenity demolished , assignments ,exams and due papers long forgotten , out come brown people in all sizes and shapes with a dab of blue,green and what not. Some one even went to the extent of getting out chilli powder!!
dude!! hold on!! hell no .. i like holi but i dont wanna be crippled for life.......
and so it went............ for an hour,two , prob 5..
When the noise became too much,and people looked at us appalled ,prob wondering whether the natives have decided to launch their attack ...... and someone s meek warning that cops mite sniff us out.. thats when the fun stopped... well. temporarily atleast..
Do we need a reason to celebrate .. !!
mera desh mahan :)
The interview
Dated : January 2007
Sometimes , at unexpected places and times, my brain goes into the state of fuzzyness.
..a meta state where your brain,mouth and other visible reflexes fail to co-ordinate , where they all shamelessly fail each other and plunge into a confused blackhole..
Moral of the observed behaviour : I need sleep..
Of late,it has been happening at quite a few other instances.. an interiew at that!
Confidently entering, i vigourously shake hand,much to the "wise guy"s mistaken assumption that i was going to devour the job.
He glances at my resume (which unfortunately mentions more stuff under my skill set than i know -- the contrived work of an alter self, a greedy one typical of students hunting desperately for positions to pay for tution)
and casually throws a neutron bomb by starting with a complex code in the language i am unaware of.
Poor me , already gasping for air and silently cursing my bad luck and wondering where on earth were all my lucky stars and mom s prayers when i badly needed them,started off with a smart alecky verbose detour of the problem .
But the guy wanted none of those..
Having successfully aced some university exams just by prolific writing devoid of contents,i thought the experience would be a nitrobooster to my answering skills, but the lucky threads in my sun signs were probably eclipsed at the unexpected moment.
My interiew proceeds ,and a coupla minutes in, my status elevates to being "royally screwed" .I want to give up everything,tear my hair off and run out of the room yelling at the top of my voice .." I dont want the job" . But i have no choice.
Endless questions being shot at me,with occasional smirks and grins and quips of caustic humour leaves me dizzy and the afore mentioned state.. my mouth fails to listen to my brain ,as the former has reached a reject state due to dearth and mix of up contents of t he latter..
Result : Need i mention ?
Sometimes , at unexpected places and times, my brain goes into the state of fuzzyness.
..a meta state where your brain,mouth and other visible reflexes fail to co-ordinate , where they all shamelessly fail each other and plunge into a confused blackhole..
Moral of the observed behaviour : I need sleep..
Of late,it has been happening at quite a few other instances.. an interiew at that!
Confidently entering, i vigourously shake hand,much to the "wise guy"s mistaken assumption that i was going to devour the job.
He glances at my resume (which unfortunately mentions more stuff under my skill set than i know -- the contrived work of an alter self, a greedy one typical of students hunting desperately for positions to pay for tution)
and casually throws a neutron bomb by starting with a complex code in the language i am unaware of.
Poor me , already gasping for air and silently cursing my bad luck and wondering where on earth were all my lucky stars and mom s prayers when i badly needed them,started off with a smart alecky verbose detour of the problem .
But the guy wanted none of those..
Having successfully aced some university exams just by prolific writing devoid of contents,i thought the experience would be a nitrobooster to my answering skills, but the lucky threads in my sun signs were probably eclipsed at the unexpected moment.
My interiew proceeds ,and a coupla minutes in, my status elevates to being "royally screwed" .I want to give up everything,tear my hair off and run out of the room yelling at the top of my voice .." I dont want the job" . But i have no choice.
Endless questions being shot at me,with occasional smirks and grins and quips of caustic humour leaves me dizzy and the afore mentioned state.. my mouth fails to listen to my brain ,as the former has reached a reject state due to dearth and mix of up contents of t he latter..
Result : Need i mention ?
Remembering the great poet !
Dated:November 2008
I do tend to believe that knowledge and pearls of wisdom imparted at an young age do tend to stick till grave. I especially enjoyed the verses of kabir. Eloquent delivery with stringent use of words. Like a mellifluous jewel inside an obscure puzzle. I used to admire how something that was so hard to understand all made meaning beautifully. My naive mind that it was, adored my Hindi teacher who unlocked the puzzle and let it all out. He was the one who could bring out the literary drive amongst the veritable bedlam called class as presented by 6th graders.
A couple of those inspiring verses.
(In anguish everyone prays to Him, in joy does none
"Dukh Mein Simran Sab Kare, Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye
Jo Sukh Mein Simran Kare, Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye"
To One who prays in happiness, how can sorrow come)
"Bada Hua To Kya Hua, Jaise Ped Khajoor(In vain is the eminence, just like a date tree
Panthi Ko Chaya Nahin, Phal Laage Atidoor"
No shade for travelers and fruits are hard to reach)
These embody a variety of suble poetic elements that render a rather profound exhilaration to the reader. Though not explicit in the above 2 verses, symbolism is as venerable an element of poetry as irony is for a story. This may raise many eyebrows but I find nourishment in excavating meaning out of a challenge, a maze of words. Unlike beauty, here the less obvious it is, the more impact it has.. once discovered. . . :)
Understanding..
Dated: November 2008
Haggard eyes black ,
not so steel anymore
grouchy face, unwelcome lines,
wisdom and pain
Come with time.
no complaints my old lady
its not u but the years that have worn you grey
its not u but the tempest that has made you what you are today
not today not tomorrow but wait for your time in bliss
the colors of sweet release
but remember thy had a life that once lit ablaze
with sunshine, with stars as embellishment of joyous life
with your prime and beauty
that left no souvenirs
no marks no hue
nothing to look at
except for the memories
that make u yearn ...
to go back to the simple moments
that it all began
- dedicated to the old forest wood logger woman i once helped out when i was little.
I am back :)
Dated: September 2008
I am back!! after a reaaally long time :)
A bunch of things have transpired since my last post! All those posts about my inability to find a job, my ignorance reflecting on my choice of food! the negativity ions i spewed out are long gone. But then you realize there is always something to worry about. I made great friends( read as interesting people who don't talk about movies or nail polish colors ALL the bloody time), visited a bunch of places, found a job which made my student pocket reasonably fat(read as 3 meals a day :) without $ -> rupee conversion, occasional treats at Villa Thai and Sher-e-Punjab ). Later, I managed to find an internship, pack up to a far away lonely paradise , sans friends, sans company, sans an avenue to redirect all your unconscious mental navigation).. paradise being that was like living at the Marriott for 3 months with a personal house keeper(software companies do fuel your ego).
And now! I am back ... to my dinghy apartment at 827 E Drachman..with all 3 needs of an average human being laid out in their most negotiable form.
- Kapda (yes!! No complaints , esp with my new Macy's gift card).
No one really cares what you wear to school.
- Makaan (my own little blue bed in my dinghy student apartment).
Still pretty sweet coz the people around make it what it is.
- Roti (or Tortilla :) or bagels or pasta or curd rice ...with mango pickle and lemon , chinese
food!! Yummmm .. )
.
.
.
.
which is precisely why i put them down as negotiable. With hardly a handful of courses and a job hunt ahead, the last semester is indeed a time to reminisce about the value addition gained as a result of the last year and half.
Well.. one thing is for sure. When I move out, I am gonna miss you School, miss you Tucson.
I am back!! after a reaaally long time :)
A bunch of things have transpired since my last post! All those posts about my inability to find a job, my ignorance reflecting on my choice of food! the negativity ions i spewed out are long gone. But then you realize there is always something to worry about. I made great friends( read as interesting people who don't talk about movies or nail polish colors ALL the bloody time), visited a bunch of places, found a job which made my student pocket reasonably fat(read as 3 meals a day :) without $ -> rupee conversion, occasional treats at Villa Thai and Sher-e-Punjab ). Later, I managed to find an internship, pack up to a far away lonely paradise , sans friends, sans company, sans an avenue to redirect all your unconscious mental navigation).. paradise being that was like living at the Marriott for 3 months with a personal house keeper(software companies do fuel your ego).
And now! I am back ... to my dinghy apartment at 827 E Drachman..with all 3 needs of an average human being laid out in their most negotiable form.
- Kapda (yes!! No complaints , esp with my new Macy's gift card).
No one really cares what you wear to school.
- Makaan (my own little blue bed in my dinghy student apartment).
Still pretty sweet coz the people around make it what it is.
- Roti (or Tortilla :) or bagels or pasta or curd rice ...with mango pickle and lemon , chinese
food!! Yummmm .. )
.
.
.
.
which is precisely why i put them down as negotiable. With hardly a handful of courses and a job hunt ahead, the last semester is indeed a time to reminisce about the value addition gained as a result of the last year and half.
Well.. one thing is for sure. When I move out, I am gonna miss you School, miss you Tucson.
Google Mom!!
Dated: Jan 07
Mom!!
Bunch of different things thrown into a single body..
Unofficial google search of our house..She can find anything from a lost sock to air tickets missing at the crucial time.. Her efficiency gets a nitroboost if she smells that air of importance that says everyone else is depending on her..and 99% of the time she finds what she is looking for.
That must be the better than the best search algorithms ever implemented in this world and also with a daughter like me blessed with goldfish memory,it does come in handy.
Mom!!
Bunch of different things thrown into a single body..
Unofficial google search of our house..She can find anything from a lost sock to air tickets missing at the crucial time.. Her efficiency gets a nitroboost if she smells that air of importance that says everyone else is depending on her..and 99% of the time she finds what she is looking for.
That must be the better than the best search algorithms ever implemented in this world and also with a daughter like me blessed with goldfish memory,it does come in handy.
Almost there!!
Dated: Jan2007
Going home? .........
The most dreaded question ever encountered by an indian newbie at US schools..
wherein home is referred to,unconsiously , as a place where people go when they have no jobs.. and lol!! i am currently one of the pathetic lot ,who does not have a part time job to run across ,right after class,pretending to not even have time to pull over your half drawn sweater over your shoulders or stop to say a friendly "hi".
Typical sequence of conversation...
The first day you land..
..er.. Hope u had a good journey.. Were all your suitcases intact..Good Day......
First week..
..hmm.. Are you all settled now? Did u find a room mate yet?.. don worry u l just have to wait till classes start.. u'l find a job soon..
Second week.. 4 days after classes start..
..How are the classes going on?Did you email people asking for part time?
Third week..
Me.. : I have been spamming everyone royally.........
Folks(with jobs who had been through the cycle): Well.. make sure u don send our the same thing..Tailor your email and spam them..;)same technique..
Middle of Third week..(9 days after classes)..
Folks..: Did you find a job..
Me: not yet.. am still looking(LOOKING!!!!! thats a white lie!! a variant version of euphemism.. I have been screwing everyone s mail box ,regardless of their department or connection to what i am..ppl have been scared to check their e-mails for the fear of seeing my seemingly persuasive mail).
Folks..: Its ok.. keep going.. Times will get better..(more fundas like..)..Some one is always looking to hire.. you just need to find who..(snippets and phrases ideal to fit in a "life l get better" documentary)
End of third week..(13 days after classes start)..
I happened to leave class with one of the folks who had a job..and midway down the road..
She: Are you going home?? (with a "poor u" look and voice so full of pity that if i were blessed with one like that,i could have persuaded the dean to give up his job for me)
Me:Yeah.. well.. not exactly.. well going places.. and with my brain trying to pull out random department names from its folds,my mouth rattles out a filtered refined few and combines them into a sentence like this..
Actually,I am going to the medical center for an interview .and then have a meeting with a professor(non existent)..
She:Good luck....
Me: Thanks a ton..(half smiling)..
Whew!! what a relief...
then i run back home, take liberty of using my roomie's laptop and build a new list(probably 7th ) of people who could hire me....
and so on it goes.........................hoping someday in the near future, i will join the band of people who can rush to part time jobs and express pity to a new batch of newbies............
The most dreaded question ever encountered by an indian newbie at US schools..
wherein home is referred to,unconsiously , as a place where people go when they have no jobs.. and lol!! i am currently one of the pathetic lot ,who does not have a part time job to run across ,right after class,pretending to not even have time to pull over your half drawn sweater over your shoulders or stop to say a friendly "hi".
Typical sequence of conversation...
The first day you land..
..er.. Hope u had a good journey.. Were all your suitcases intact..Good Day......
First week..
..hmm.. Are you all settled now? Did u find a room mate yet?.. don worry u l just have to wait till classes start.. u'l find a job soon..
Second week.. 4 days after classes start..
..How are the classes going on?Did you email people asking for part time?
Third week..
Me.. : I have been spamming everyone royally.........
Folks(with jobs who had been through the cycle): Well.. make sure u don send our the same thing..Tailor your email and spam them..;)same technique..
Middle of Third week..(9 days after classes)..
Folks..: Did you find a job..
Me: not yet.. am still looking(LOOKING!!!!! thats a white lie!! a variant version of euphemism.. I have been screwing everyone s mail box ,regardless of their department or connection to what i am..ppl have been scared to check their e-mails for the fear of seeing my seemingly persuasive mail).
Folks..: Its ok.. keep going.. Times will get better..(more fundas like..)..Some one is always looking to hire.. you just need to find who..(snippets and phrases ideal to fit in a "life l get better" documentary)
End of third week..(13 days after classes start)..
I happened to leave class with one of the folks who had a job..and midway down the road..
She: Are you going home?? (with a "poor u" look and voice so full of pity that if i were blessed with one like that,i could have persuaded the dean to give up his job for me)
Me:Yeah.. well.. not exactly.. well going places.. and with my brain trying to pull out random department names from its folds,my mouth rattles out a filtered refined few and combines them into a sentence like this..
Actually,I am going to the medical center for an interview .and then have a meeting with a professor(non existent)..
She:Good luck....
Me: Thanks a ton..(half smiling)..
Whew!! what a relief...
then i run back home, take liberty of using my roomie's laptop and build a new list(probably 7th ) of people who could hire me....
and so on it goes.........................hoping someday in the near future, i will join the band of people who can rush to part time jobs and express pity to a new batch of newbies............
How many people can I look upto ?
There exist few people whose presence composes a significant silhoutte .....
Dad!!!
Think all girls love their dad...Well.. mine s real special... He s the most respectable ,sensible focussed amicable ,primarily adorable ..... (lots more..... beyond d scope of my vocabs) .
Be it temper tantrums of his kids or annoying visitors ... he has a style to tackle it..
A techie genius and a self built management guru (perhaps small scale but reflects at high end) ., with a huge fan following within his professional groups.. , he enjoys life. as it comes..
Hmm..."my daddy s d best "..
The one threshhold i (and guess my sis too) with whom i unconsiously compare all the guys we encounter in our life...
Dad!!!
Think all girls love their dad...Well.. mine s real special... He s the most respectable ,sensible focussed amicable ,primarily adorable ..... (lots more..... beyond d scope of my vocabs) .
Be it temper tantrums of his kids or annoying visitors ... he has a style to tackle it..
A techie genius and a self built management guru (perhaps small scale but reflects at high end) ., with a huge fan following within his professional groups.. , he enjoys life. as it comes..
Hmm..."my daddy s d best "..
The one threshhold i (and guess my sis too) with whom i unconsiously compare all the guys we encounter in our life...
First Note
Posted
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First Blog
1840000 !!!!!!!!!!! Approx. the total hours i spent on this planet ...Hmmm!!!!!! The first dairy note (or blog) is always difficult...Have i done so many things yet as to pen down a significant number of ones which i can look back with pride.or atleast satisfaction.? I seriously doubt it....But now that i have decided to blog atleast the trivia , there is no looking back........:)This is the beginning.................................................................
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